Time in the jungle doesn’t seem to pass by in the same way that time passes in other areas of the world. Especially for someone like me who is accustomed to the steady passing of seasons and changing of weather that happens in the Midwest. Okay, it’s not always so “steady” in Indiana, but I can certainly tell a difference between summer and winter. Not here. I have been here almost three full months now and the only change that I’ve noticed is the daily change in the height of the Napo River; it’s not exactly something that marks the passing of time.
So whether it’s due to that or just due to the nature of the work that I’m doing while I’m here, it is sometimes very hard to think in terms of time. One minute I’m thinking, “It’s December already?!” and the next minute I’m thinking, “It’s only December?!” What makes it even stranger is that no one else around me seems to be that concerned about it. In the U.S. we are constantly surrounded by our “time is money” culture. Anyone who has visited Latin America will tell you that is not the case here. Here time is freedom. Do with it what you want. All of the work will get done…in time. It seems like such a liberating concept that anyone would love the opportunity to have. I’m slowly finding that it’s harder than I thought…
For my whole life I had been used to having a long-term plan; a plan with items next to little boxes that I could check off daily to show myself and everyone else that I was in fact making progress in my life. This mindset gets old. Yes, I was making progress, but towards what I had no idea. So when I arrived here three months ago I came with the understanding that I would have to adapt to a new culture of time and pace. I was eager for the change, and for the first few months I was thriving in my new approach to time. I had time to read the books that had been piling up during four years of college, time to write a blog, time to learn about a new environment, time to get to know my students, and time to take a nap in my hammock. It was great. However, I also have lots of time to think and therein lays the problem… What do I think of when I have time to think? I think about exactly what I have set out not to think of. I think about a plan. What’s next?
Fortunately, this check mark that I’m on currently lasts another seven months. Regardless of what happens I’m here until the end of June when the current school year finishes. What scares me is that at this point I don’t have another little box to check-off on my life plan after this, and I like to plan ahead. Yikes! That hasn’t happened for a long time and I’m realizing that it’s a difficult idea for me to face. So in the last few weeks I’ve been trying to fix it. Listing, searching, writing, planning, weighing pros and cons, researching, studying, etc… Old habits die hard. I can’t help myself. But while I thought I came here to get away from my old habits, maybe what I’m learning is that these habits are just a part of who I am. Maybe no matter what environment I’m thrown into I will always fall back into the same routines because that’s how I’m programmed to be. Is that the worst thing in the world? In all honesty, I don’t have an answer and if I can’t figure it out here then I probably never will. I am constantly reminding myself that for better or worse every experience is an opportunity to learn. Maybe what I am learning is that I can’t change who I am. Maybe I will always be a very programmed and routine driven person. It’s not for everyone, but maybe it is for me.
One excellent piece of advice that I received recently, was that every step that I take in my life does not have to be perfect. As long as it is in a generally positive direction I have nothing to worry about because there is always time for a change. With that mindset, I don’t have to worry about my experiences being right or wrong but only positive or negative. I think of this experience in Ecuador as an example. Maybe I will get to the end of the year and decide that living in the jungle is not what I want to do for the rest of my life and now it’s time to do something else. So what? Have I wasted a year of my life? No. I have gained invaluable experience and decided that this is not what I want to spend my life doing. When I look back on my experiences and choices, there are very few things I can think of that I regret having tried but there are a lot of things that I can think of that I regret having not tried.
So today I’m going to start a new list. A new plan. A new routine. I won’t think of it as a list of “things I have to do” but instead a list of “things I want to try.” This list doesn’t go one step at a time and it doesn’t have an end and instead of guiding the way that I live it will only serve as a reminder of the things I have experienced and learned from. I will still get the satisfaction of marking off boxes without the stress of worrying if I picked the right one. It’s the best of both worlds for me and if nothing else, it gives me another way to pass the time.
No comments:
Post a Comment